GIFT  OF 
CLASS  OP  1900 


Chauncey  M.  de  Stoneaxe's  After-Dinner  Speech. 


INVENTED  AND 
DESIGNED  BY 


ETHEL  WATTS  MUMFORD 


PAUL  ELDER  AND  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS,  SAN  FRANCISCO 


J 


Copyright,  1905 

by  Paul  Elder  and  Company 

San  Francisco 


To  him  who  loves  a  bit  of  wit, 
Yet  cannot  quite  recapture  it, 
We  dedicate  this  Humor  Trap, 
Merely  remarking,  "Verbum  Sap." 


(D 


329409 


This  is  a  foreword,  and  to  say  a 
thing  in  four  words  is  to  save  the  soul 
of  wit. 

Briefly,  the  deviser  of  this  Boon  to 
Humanity  has  observed  many  a  man 
endeavoring  to  find  the  back  of  an  en- 
velope (which  he  will  mislay  the  next 
moment),  upon  which  to  record  some 
fleeting  joke.  Moreover,  said  man 
burdens  his  wallet  with  clippings  from 
the  wings  of  Humor.  He  need  do  so 
no  more. 

This  little  book  requests  to  be  a 
pocket  companion,  having  carefully 
fitted  itself  for  "that  position,  and  will 
classify  and,  for  the  outlay  of  a  mere 
word  or  two,  retain  the  "elusive" 
good  story. 

It  makes  its  bow  and  puts  up  a 
brave  front,  as  did  the  tobacconist 
when  he  rolled  out  his  wooden  Indian. 


PROFESSIONS 


A  farmer  arrived  very  late  at  a  country  doctor's  house 
and  requested  him  to  come  instantly  to  a  distant  farm.  The' 
doctor  hitched  up  and  drove  furiously.  Upon  arrival  the 
hayseed  inquired,  "What  fee?"  "Three  dollars,"  replied 
the  doctor,  surprised.  The  countryman  paid.  "  There  yer 
are,  Doc ;  that  durned  liveryman  wanted  five." 


^s 


IRISH 

Bedelia  wept—"  I  know  yez  wants  ter  marry  me,  but 
1  ve  something  awful  I've  got  ter  tell  yez !  " 

"  The  saints  preserve  us  !  " 

1  Pat,  I'm  a  somnambulist !  " 

"Pwhist,  now,^that's  all  right;  you  go  to  your  church, 
an  I'll  go  to  mine !  " 


^R 


^R 


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COON 

Said  the  chambermaid  in  a  little  Southern  hotel,  "  I 
ain't  got  no  use  for  dese  yer  transom  bo'ders ;  what  I  like  is 
persistent  bo'ders." 


V 


LADIES 

"  Will  you  always  love  me  ?  "  he  begged,  passionately. 
She  crossed  to  the  piano.  "  As  long  as  the  con  goes !  "  she 
sang  softly. 


JEWS 

The  Inspector  scowled  at  the  passing  peddler.  "  Say, 
Isaacslein,  what  have  yer  dene  ter  yerself  ?  I'd  hardly  know 
yer  !  Yer  must  have  taken  a  bath  !  "  The  peddler  looked 
frightened  and  uncertain.  "No,  it  vasn't  me!  — -is  there  von 
missing  ?  " 


JINGLES 

There  was  an  old  Turk  named  Mahomet, 
Who  slept  in  a  pale  pink  pajimit. 

"  He  had  best  stay  in  bed," 

His  astrologer  said, 
"  With  his  horoscope  ruled  by  a  comet." 


CLERGY 


Ex'ract  from  the  sermon  of  a  colored  revivalist: 
"De  Lawd  made  de  sea,  an'  he  rested,  an*  he  made  de 
fishes,  an'  rested,  an*  he  made  de  Ian',  an*  he  rested.  He 
made  de  trees  an*  de  yarbs,  an*  he  rested,  an*  de  beasties,  an* 
he  rested.  He  made  Man,  an*  he  rested,  an*  den  made 
Woman !  Brev'ren,  neither  de  Lawd  nor  man  has  rested 


GERMAN 

Two  tailors  owned  a  dog.  One  day  Fritz  shrieked  to 
August,  "Ach!  Bismarck  has  schwallow-ed  der  tape 
measure,  und  iss  dying  py  inches." 

"  Qyick  !  "  cried  August.  "  Open  der  area  door,  und 
let  him  die  py  der  yard." 


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EPIGRAMS 

Laugh,  and  the  world  laughs  with  you;  snore,  and  you 
ieep  alone. 


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DAGOS 

A  Frenchman  invented  a  shuttle  and  went  to  Birming- 
ham to  market  it  in  England.  On  visiting  the  cockney  head 
of  the  mills  he  observed  him  to  be  hurried.  "  I  see  zat  you 
haf  a  rendez-vous.  Geeve  me  anozer  interview,  and  I  will 
not  now  cockroach  upon  your  time."  "Cockroach!"  ex- 
claimed the  cockney,  "Cockroach  on  me  time!  Oh,  you 
mean  hencroach!"  "Alas!  monsieur,  I  mistake  ze  gendre." 


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KIDS 

Extract  from  a  little  boy's  composition  on  the  "  Habits 
Customs  of  the  Greeks  " 

"The  Greeks  married  but  one  wife,  a  custom  what  they 
ailed  '  Monotony.' " 


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SCOTCH  AND  ENGLISH 

Soup  was  being  set  before  a  dissatisfied  Englishman  at 
a  table  d'hote. 

"What's  this  nasty  stuff?  "  he  demanded. 

"  It's  bean  soup,  sir,"  said  the  waiter. 

"  Yes,  I  see  it's  been  soup,  but  what  is  it  now  ?  " 


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SPORTS 


"  I  know  nothing  about  golf,"  said  the  fluffy  girl.    "Why, 
I  don't  even  know  how  lo  carry  a  caddie." 


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Said  the  barkeep  proudly  to  the  waiter,  "  I  have  a 
brother  who  is  a  detective  down  at  the  mint."  "  Ah,"  said 
the  waiter,  scornfully,  "an  order  of  mint  spy." 


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Editor's  Note — This  section  uniliustrated. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT, 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


REC'D  U»/| 


NOV  13  1956 


Dec'56Fi 


LD 


J&L 


DEC  4     1956 


JAN 


^^ 


REC'D  U3 


FtB  281962 


APR  8    t960 


LD  21-100m-6,'56 
(B9311slO)476 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


